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This article, authored by a guest – Deena Levenstein, answers the question: What’s it like to be different from my parents? Deena was born a religious Orthodox Jew and lived in Jerusalem with her parents and siblings. Today, she is not Orthodox and living in Vancouver, British Columbia. Thank you Deena for sharing your thoughts with us, especially some very sensitive and intimate ones.
Questions: Are you the rebellious child in your family? Why do you think you were different than all your siblings? Why did you move away from your parents teaching? Did you suffer being the rebellious child? Any advice to those rebellion today?
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I think there are two main things that my parents want for each of us, and that is that we should be good people and happy. Of course there are all the other things like that we should be comfortable, healthy, successful, etc., but the feeling I get is that when it comes down to the basics, they hope for us to be good people and to feel good.
Around three years ago, after many years of religious struggles, I decided that I needed to move away from the religious path my parents had given me. It was a torturous, difficult, depressing decision. During the years leading up to my decision, I really struggled with the dissonance I was experiencing between the actions I was doing at the time (aka, living a Torah-observant life) and my feelings towards those actions. I did not feel connected to the lifestyle and always questioning why I was doing everything I was doing. Looking back, I think it is that amount of time that it took me to make my decision. The decision to live differently than my parents.
Believe me, I never, ever, wanted to leave Yiddishkeit. (By the way, not that anyone who knows me today would say that I did! I’m so Jewish, people often assume I’m totally “religious.”) I wanted more than anything to “connect” to the traditions and way-of-life my parents had given me and during those years of my early twenties, I did whatever I could think of in order to try to “fix” this terrible problem. Why? Because, I wanted to fit into the community I knew. I wanted to live a meaningful life and believed (still believe) that living a Torah lifestyle is conducive to meaning. I wanted to believe in God. I didn’t want to hurt anyone. I didn’t want to have to change. I didn’t want to have to go “out, into the big, wide world” and have to try to find a different path that would give me meaning.
It was terrifying and I just wanted to stay home.
But by the time I turned 26 I just couldn’t do it anymore. It was painful and I was depressed. If Torah and Judaism are truth, it didn’t really make sense to me that I’d have to “leave” it, but it seemed like I had no choice. Because the overwhelming dissonance that I was experiencing was eating me alive, I was not able to fill my hopefully wonderful potential in this world.
In order to get away religiously, I chose to go away geographically. I knew that I needed to figure out how I should live in order to start feeling better, and it was obvious that it would be terribly difficult, if not close to impossible, trying to do that from home. I decided to go somewhere totally new and chose Vancouver, B.C., as my destination. I knew no one here and did not know if I would last more than a few days, let alone months or years here.
Vancouver has served me very well. I wanted a place with a small Jewish community and found that here. I made a conscious decision not to let people have expectations of me and so from the start, I was very honest about where I was religiously. It hasn’t always been easy but I have tried my best to keep to that decision. Thank God I have associated myself with very special people who have given me the space and support I need to find my own religious way.
After being here a couple of months, and seeing that I really was not keeping Shabbat anymore, I spoke to my mother one day and told her about this. She just asked me a few questions about it and that was it. She never said a negative word to me, never made me feel guilty, and always made sure I knew I was loved. Yes, a blessing indeed.
Now, two-and-a-half years since my arrival in Vancouver, I am in a much healthier place. When I first got here, I could not daven (pray). When I’d go to shul Friday night, I’d sit at the back and wait for it to be over. Now, I can open a prayer book without cringing.
I am still a very skeptical person, but at the same time, deeply religious. I question God’s existence, but at the same time live according to many beautiful rules that are built on the assumption that holiness and greatness runs through our souls and our lives. I hope to one day fully keep Shabbat again, but am not sure if I’ll ever really want it enough to give up some of the things I’ve really come to enjoy on Shabbat. And if I do, I still might very well wear jeans to the Shabbos table! This has become a luxury for me.
I want my children to have a full, meaningful, truly Jewish education. I want them to know at least as much as I know. I think that is the fair thing to do for a Jewish child. I believe that this is the only way to really give children a choice regarding their lifestyles. I also want my children to grow up in a very similar home to my parents’. They deserve the blessings that I had and have.
As for how my parents have dealt with what I’m sure is a difficult situation with me becoming not fully Torah observant, it says in the Talmud, “Derech Eretz Kadma LaTorah.” How we treat our fellow human beings comes before the rest of the Torah. In Faranak Margolese’s book, “Off the Derech,” which discusses people who stop being Orthodox, she mentions a few times the importance of remembering this in your interactions with your children. It is way more important to look after their emotional health than that they should be keeping Shabbat or kosher. In the case of a parent-child relationship, the emotional health comes from them feeling 100% that they matter to you more than a halacha (a Jewish law). That you love them, care about them, etc.
Some parents might fear they are giving up on truth if they act in this way. It is important to realize that if the child feels the emotional health, there is more of a chance they will return/keep the Torah in the way the parent thinks is best. If, on the other hand, the parent pushes halacha down the child’s throat, the messages the child gets are that your love for them is dependant on something and that will not be conducive to keeping the Torah or, of course, having a positive relationship with you.
I am sure that my choice is disappointing to my parents, even if it was never explicitly said. Of course I assume they wish I were frum, even if they never told me that. But I know more than anything that they love me very, very much and that, still, the main two things they want for me is to be happy and a good person. I also know that they are a blessing more than I even realize because not every parent reacts in this way to their child going “off the derech.”
As for how I dealt with it, I am quite proud of myself in that regard. I have always tried to remain respectful of my parents and, though not everyone agreed with this decision, I also knew for myself that I could not have a real relationship with them if I kept such a big secret from them. So I told them the truth. I also see that moving away has been helpful. I just still hope that I will be able to move back and still maintain the good relationship I have with my parents. It’s an on-going journey.
Check out Deena’s new blog, a place for discussion of Jewish topics: http://blogmidrash.wordpress.com.
24 Comments
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Timing is pretty funny thing… Last few days I have been thinking about where I am with my Judaism today, and had planned to blog about it sometimes this week. This morning I get an email from a friend of mine asking me what I thought about this particular posting. One hell of timing, isn’t it?
I am the most rebellious child in your family. I have been so since I was a little girl who just wouldn’t keep her mouth shut… still haven’t learned how to do that. I did, however, learned how to be a lot more diplomatic!!!
I had rebelled against many things. At one point Judaism was my form of rebellion against my parents’ way of life. Part of reason for becoming frum was to separate myself from my parents’ way of life. And then I rebelled against Judaism as well.
And like Deena, at one point the frum way of life just stopped making sense… The meaning of it was lost on me… Having to continue on with the frum obligations while not feeling like doing any of it was TORTURE!
And like Deena, moving away was the best decision I could have made for myself. Moving away allowed me to find a space where I could honestly talk to myself, and do that which resonates true inside me.
Deena, I think you should be very proud of yourself for choosing honesty with yourself versus running away from yourself. It is a long and hard journey, and having traveled one myself, I think any pain to reach a point where one is true to herself/himself is not that big of a price to pay.
Yes, the best thing you can do is take space…true. Where are you now in terms of your relationship to Judaism?
thanks for visiting my blog. Chag Samayach
avrum
I am at peace with my Judaism today
))) And it is a good place to be in!
Hello fellow Jewess. I’m honoured and excited that you found, read, and connected to my post. And I really appreciate your kind words. Could you send me an email since I’d like to ask you something privately? deenalev@gmail.com.
Chag sameach!
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