We’ve developed an unfair culture among our people when it comes to gift-giving for weddings and bar and bat mitzvahs.

Over the years, many of our simchahs (celebrations) have moved away from being holy times when we humbly danced, sang and ate to celebrate our children’s rites of passage, after which $36 cash, a Cross pen or a set of chumashim was just fine as a gift.

Nowadays, we’ve decided instead that our simchahs must be huge, themed extravaganzas organized by event planners and resembling an island retreat more than a modest place of Jewish familial merriment.

Along with this showy growth came the belief that because my hosts are paying $150 for my meal, I should increase my gift in turn. A sense developed that we are all in this simchah together and will, therefore, share the cost. On top of this, you’re expected to give what the invitee gave you or your child for your simchah.

Out of this was born the $150-plus present.

Adding to the problem are community members who need to appear rich in the eyes of their judgmental guests and borrow money to pay for their child’s celebration. The hosts then pray that their guests’ presents will be platinum-encrusted or in Eurodollars, acting as a sort of bailout to repay their debt.

If you have the money and want to create a Super Bowl halftime show for your child, go ahead. If you want to borrow money to make a party for your 12- or 13-year-old, borrow away.

But here’s the problem: most of your invitees are trying to save funds for their retirement, not underwrite an Xbox or help pay down your liability.  

Many people who make a reasonable living have told me that they’ve decided a few times not to attend a simchah because they couldn’t afford to. On the flip side, an educator in our community said he was invited to three simchot in one weekend and was embarrassed not to attend them, so he put out $150 each (for a total of $450) for presents. He didn’t have the money and would have preferred to duck out, but he didn’t because of the shame.

Why are our annual expenditures for attending bar and bat mitzvahs and weddings third on our overall personal budget list, after car insurance and the mortgage? Attending a simchah should be a joy, not a cause for overdraft protection.

We as a community of gift-givers must recognize that an enormous investment or loan for a simchah is part of our own individual financial Jewish planning, not anybody else’s. Further, let’s consider that current Jewish party customs and the expectations that come with them are out of control and unfair.  

Here are some solutions: a gift doesn’t need to be money. Instead, call the individual who is celebrating to determine what they would like to receive. If you can’t afford a gift, write a meaningful card.

If you have helped out with the simchah, don’t give a gift. Your assistance is worth something.

Don’t make extravaganzas in place of a simchah. But if you do, appreciate all presents. Consider putting on your invitation “gifts optional” or “gifts go to tzedakah,” allowing the giver the chance to make a thoughtful gift at any level.

As well, let’s create a community formula for giving: for every $50,000 of income, a person could give $36, up to 10 times a year. After that, we can hand our hosts a lovely table cloth from the Baycrest gift shop.

When you invite me to your simchah, you are gifting me with your friendship. When I attend, I am reciprocating through my presence, participation and a humble gift.

That’s true gift-giving. It’s fair, and it creates a true sense of joining in your simchah.

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Do you agree with my thesis?

How do you give gifts?