Avrum's blog » Eccentric Corner

SPARTA: BADASSES OF THE ANCIENT WORLD by Guest Author Ulysses Castellanos

avrum — Wed, 13 May 2009 17:17:54 +0000

Welcome to the Eccentrics Corner

Normally, one would hesitate to apply the epithet “eccentric” to an entire nation, but that’s exactly what the Spartans were, and proud of it! Founded before the 12 Century B.C., Sparta was one of the many city-states in Ancient Greece. Spartans were famous for being warlike, as well as for their frugality.

The shops in Spartan markets had no jewelry for sale, and gold did not exist in Sparta. Nor did they indulge in such luxuries as furniture. Spartans were really bad dressers, and their children never wore shoes. While democracy was in full swing in Athens, Sparta had not one, but two kings who kept each other in check.

The ancient rulers had felt that wealthy citizens would disobey the law, so they decreed that no Spartan citizen would be allowed to go into business, and they gave up their gold and jewels for money made up of heavy iron bars that could barely be moved. Spartan money was more worthless than inflation-era German bank notes.

So the only good thing about having Spartan money was that nobody would ever rob you. About the only thing that Spartans ever splurged on was a good suit of armor, because to a Spartan, war was life’s most important activity. Early in its history Sparta had experienced a bloody slave uprising, and after quelling the unrest, the kings of Sparta decided that every citizen would now be a soldier.

So from the earliest age, children were trained for war. At birth, a child would be bathed in wine. If he survived that ordeal, the newborn would then be taken to the high priest, who would then decide if the child was to live and be trained for war, or if he should die.

The Spartan army was the best in all of Greece, and if you were born a Spartan, you were a career soldier for life.

You lived in a communal barrack, slept on the cold hard floor, wore thin clothes in the middle of winter, and you ate next to nothing. Young boys were expected to steal for their meals, and if they were caught, they were severely punished; not for the act of stealing, but for actually getting caught. What about Greek-style contests of physical strength?

Try this one for size: a number of young boys would be whipped mercilessly, and the boy that lasted the longest without crying was the winner (we’re talking hundreds of lashes here). Spartan women were more liberal than those in other parts of Greece, and were expected and encouraged by their husbands to bring strange men home and have sex with them while the rest of the family hang around in the next room.

It was all part of the Spartan “all for one and one for all” mentality. The Spartan mothers were unlike those of any other land. Instead of weeping and lamenting when their sons left for battle, they would exclaim with pride: “Return with your shield, or be carried dead upon it!” For a Spartan, dropping one’s shield and running away was the acme of shamefulness. A Spartan never did that. A Spartan fought to the death.

The rest of the Hellenic world viewed Sparta with awe and respect. Athenian fathers would tell their sons: “Let’s go to Sparta to study their strange customs” Strange customs indeed!

Sparta, you were a nation of eccentrics, and you can take that to the bank!
Welcome to eccentrics corner.

RAY JOHNSON: THE MOST FAMOUS UNKNOWN ARTIST IN NEW YORK by Guest Author Ulysses Castellanos

avrum — Mon, 11 May 2009 20:44:30 +0000

Welcome to the ‘Eccentric Corner’.

: ‘Ticket’ by Ray Johnson

From the beginning of his career, Ray didn’t like galleries and museums. But he was one of the most prolific artists in the world, and he wanted his work to be seen. So to get around this problem, he invented mail art. Ray Johnson was one of the founders of the New York Correspondence School.

He created elaborate collages, which he would then send to people that he knew. If someone wanted to buy his works, he would name an exorbitant price, and then haggle the price with the prospective buyer.

He once sold a piece to Christo and Jean Claude, and when Jean Claude went to write him a cheque without putting up a fight, Ray was disappointed, as selling didn’t interest him as much as negotiating a price.

Ray Johnson was represented by the gallerist Richard L. Feigen, who was the first to exhibit Joseph Buoys and John Baldessari in America, but the only show that Ray Johnson ever did at the Feigen gallery was posthumous. It was not for lack of trying, however, as Feigen had been attempting unsuccessfully for fourteen years to get Ray Johnson to have a show there.

The closest he came to a show there was a performance, underwritten by the gallery, in which Johnson flew in a helicopter over New York State, and threw sixty hot dogs from a high altitude into Riker’s Island. The audience reportedly ate the hot dogs.

As well as collages, Ray Johnson did performances called “Nothings”, which were his answer to the “Happenings” of the sixties. Sometimes, nothing would really happen. At other times, something would, but it would be too nonsensical to be classified as such. The last performance by Ray Johnson took place on Friday January the 13, 1995.

Ray drove his beat-up Volks Wagen to the little town of Sag Harbor New York. He parked his car at the 7 Eleven, walked to pier 13, and Jumped into the icy waters (two girls reported seeing a man doing the back stroke in the nearly frozen river).

When the police found his body, they found his phone book as well, which was filled with the names and numbers of the most influential art figures of the latter part of the 20th century. They also traced the motel room were he had stayed the night before.

It was room 247, which also adds up to 13.

As the investigation into his death progressed, the police discovered that all the numeric details in the death added up to the number 13. This mystified the officer in charge, who called Ray’s contacts. As the investigators called the people in Ray’s address book, phone calls began to pour in from around the world. Ray Johnson knew a massive amount of people, and they all had colorful Ray Johnson stories to tell, but none of them, not even his closest friends, could say that they really knew him.

Ray didn’t leave a suicide note, but when friends looked in his house, they found the contents of the home were neatly packed in boxes that had been stacked from floor to ceiling. There was no furniture, and all the pictures were facing the wall, away from the viewer, except for one.

A giant photograph of himself. Behind the photograph was a green cardboard box containing hundreds of collages, and one of them was left open, so that it’s text could be read: “Andrea Feldman plunged to her death…her last performance in Andy Warhol’s ‘Heat’ is already movie history to those who have seen its previews…Andrea left a note addressed to everyone she knew, saying she loved us all, but ‘I’m going for the big time, I hit the jack pot’”

Ray Johnson, you are a heavenly prankster!

Welcome to eccentrics corner!

Edicts from Norton 1

avrum — Mon, 11 May 2009 03:14:39 +0000

September 17, 1859 – Joshua A. Norton, who lost his money in an attempt to corner the rice market, today declared himself Norton I, Emperor of the United States and Protector of Mexico.

December 2, 1859 – Norton I dismissed Gov. Wise of Virginia for hanging John Brown and appointed John C. Breckenridge of Kentucky to replace him.

February 1, 1860 – Decree from Norton I ordered representatives of the different states to assemble at Platt’s Music Hall to change laws to ameloriate the evils under which the country was laboring.

July 16, 1860 – Decree from Norton I dissolved the United States of America.

October 1, 1860 – Decree from Norton I barred Congress from meeting in Washington, D.C.

February 5, 1861– Norton I changed the place of his National Convention to Assembly Hall, Post and Kearny, because Platt’s Music Hall had burned.

September 17, 1861 – A new theater, Tucker’s Hall, opened with a performance of “Norton the First,” or “An Emperor for a Day.”

October 1863 – Death of Lazarus, Emperor Norton’s dog.

February 14, 1864 – Norton I arrived in Marysville to join the celebration of the opening of the railroad.

November 11, 1865 – Mark Twain wrote an epitaph for Bummer, the long-time companion of Lazarus.

January 21, 1867 – An overzealous Patrol Special Officer, Armand Barbier, arrested His Majesty Norton I for involuntary treatment of a mental disorder and thereby created a major civic uproar. Police Chief Patrick Crowley apologized to His Majesty and ordered him released. Several scathing newspaper editorials followed the arrest. All police officers began to salute His Majesty when he passed them on the street.

July 25, 1869 – Decree from Norton I that San Franciscans advance money to Frederick Marriott for his airship experiments.

August 12, 1869 – Decree from Norton I dissolved and abolished the Democratic and Republican parties because of party strife now existing within our realm.

December 15, 1869 – Norton I, Emperor of the United States and Protector of Mexico, left San Francisco to seek his yearly tribute from the legislature and lobbyists. He inspected the new capitol during the gala ball celebrating the buildings’ inauguration.

December 16, 1869 – Decree by Norton I demanded that Sacramento clean its muddy streets and place gaslights on streets leading to the capitol.

August 1, 1870 – Norton I was listed by the Census taker with the occupation of “emperor,” living at 624 Commercial St.

September 21, 1870 – Decree from Norton I that the Grand Hotel furnish him rooms under penalty of being banished.

March 23, 1872 – Decree by Norton I that a suspension bridge be built as soon as convenient between Oakland Point and Goat Island, and then on to San Francisco.

September 21, 1872 – Norton I ordered a survey to determine if a bridge or tunnel would be the best possible means to connect Oakland and San Francisco. He also ordered the arrest of the Board of Supervisors for ignoring his decrees.

January 2, 1873 – Decree from Norton I that a worldwide Bible Convention be held in San Francisco on this day.

March 18, 1873 – David Belasco made his stage debut at the Metropolitan Theatre playing Emperor Norton in the play “The Gold Demon.”

January 8, 1880 – Norton I dropped dead on California St. at Grant Ave. He was on his way to a lecture at the Academy of Natural Sciences.

January 9, 1880 – Headline in the Morning Call: “Norton the First, by the grace of God Emperor of the United States and Protector of Mexico, departed this life.”

January 10, 1880 – Norton I was buried today at Masonic Cemetery. The funeral cortege was two miles long. 10,000 people turned out for the funeral.

June 30, 1934 – Emperor Norton I reburied in Woodlawn Cemetery by citizens of San Francisco.

January 7, 1980 – The city marked the 100th anniversary of the death of its only monarch, Emperor Norton, with lunch-hour ceremonies at Market and Montgomery streets.

Your Royal Highness, welcome to Eccentrics Corner by Guest Author ULYSSES CASTELLANOS

avrum — Mon, 11 May 2009 03:06:38 +0000

Norton 1, Emporer of the United States

(Ulysses is a most interesting and eccentric fellow, himself. He is a performing artist – you know the type who role around in paint and then do body art. Ulysses is from El Salvador, wears a tie so that people should take his ideas seriously and he is very serious about the ills of the world - hence his most recent show on genocides, which he says is ‘crazy’! Stay tuned for more stories from the Eccentric Corner.)

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Perhaps the fact that your loyal subjects wrote the following words on your tombstone, without the slightest hint of irony: NORTON I, EMPEROR OF THE UNITED STATES, PROTECTOR OF MEXICO, JOSHUA A. NORTON 1819 – 1880. Your Royal Highness, welcome to Eccentrics Corner.

In 1849, Joshua A. Norton came to America from England with forty thousand dollars and a burning desire to make it big. He arrived in San Francisco, and proceeded to make a fortune worth a quarter of a million dollars. But alas, due to a really bad business deal in which Norton had staked every penny he had, he found himself on the street, and he went from upper class model citizen to destitute pauper.

Following a messy lawsuit from his creditors, he dropped out of sight and nobody had heard from poor Josh Norton for a few years, until one fine morning when a stately, stocky man with a mad glint in his eye walked into the offices of the San Francisco Evening Bulletin and delivered the following decree:

“At the peremptory request and desire of the citizens of these United States, I, Joshua Norton…declare and proclaim myself Emperor of these United States”.

The editor of the paper was amused by this, and printed the edict. This was the beginning of the reign of one of the greatest rulers in history: Emperor Norton I. The citizens of San Francisco soon took a liking to the Emperor, who paraded on the streets wearing a tattered uniform that was given to him by the commander of the army garrison.

Norton took his job of Emperor of the United States very seriously. He wore a cap and saber, and gold epaulets on his shoulders. He walked around the city, saluting and graciously accepting the bows from his “subjects”.

The Emperor attended all manner of public functions, and delivered edicts to his loyal subjects, who had come to love him.

When his Royal uniform wore out from use, the citizens of San Francisco promptly raised the cash to obtain a new one. Norton issued Imperial Bonds worth fifty cents, and they were honored just like regular U.S. bonds, and he even collected taxes from his subjects.

For twenty years the Emperor reigned supreme. He was never charged for a meal at restaurants, and tailors around the city exhibited cards in their shop windows that proclaimed “by appointment to His Majesty”.

The Emperor was no laughing matter in San Francisco.

When the Emperor of Brazil visited the city, San Franciscans promptly produced their own Emperor, Emperor Norton I, amidst the cheering and clamoring of thousands of his subjects. At one point someone tried to have Emperor Norton committed to an institution, and the presiding judge dismissed the case saying that “(Emperor Norton) is about the best going in the king line”.

The emperor was a popular orator at political rallies, and when the legislature met, there was always a place of honor reserved for the Emperor in the meeting chamber. When Emperor Norton passed away in the winter of 1880, the headlines in the paper proclaimed “LE ROI EST MORT”. Thirty thousand people from all classes and backgrounds attended the funeral.

And several decades later, when the body of the Emperor was moved to a different cemetery, the major of San Francisco placed a wreath at the grave, as an infantry battalion fired volleys in his honor. Dear emperor, what can one say about a ruler so great?